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I returned a few days ago from a 9-day Zen meditation retreat in silence. Silent meditation retreats have become an important part of my life, offering a true opportunity to step out of the life story and immerse myself in being with the breath at least once a year. After a couple of days, the dust, mud, and clutter of thoughts settle, and thought processes become more obvious. The mind can be calm or resistant and furious. The third day usually brings tiredness, exhaustion, and dark moments for many people. We face withdrawals from stimuli, dopamine, adrenaline, and cravings for distractions we’re used to. It’s never an easy task, but it’s always a fulfilling experience.
It’s advised to switch off the phone and reduce reading to minimize information input that activates and feeds the thinking mind. It’s fascinating what feelings and urges surface. One observes and welcomes everything, whatever is present in the center of awareness. The advice is to not react but respond without providing stimuli to the mind.
Welcoming everything, whether pleasant or unpleasant, as an honored guest that comes to be seen, acknowledged, and accommodated in the present moment, as if our mind is a guesthouse. If one reacts to the impulses of the mind and opens a book or switches on the phone, there is no one else to judge or punish the act but oneself. This offers another beautiful opportunity to observe that process too—another guest to welcome here and now! It’s also advised to avoid eye contact with other participants to respect their practice and avoid non-verbal communication, which communicates 55% of what we say.
It might sound difficult for most people, but believe it or not, being is a natural state that brings a lot of ease.
The fourth day is usually different. One is fully recharged and accustomed to the new way of being. The dust has settled, and the mind has obeyed—not fully, and not for all times, but like the surface of a lake after a storm. Everything feels fresh, nourished, and calm. Now it’s easier to welcome all sorts of guests—desire, judgment, hatred, fear, greed, anger, self-pity, lust, joy, happiness, laughter, resistance, ignorance, critique, satisfaction, tranquility, reverence, humility, gratitude, and wisdom. Emotions connected to thoughts about the past, what we see, feel, or hear now, or plans for the future, all visit throughout the days. One is aware of them, what thoughts they arise from, what they are accompanied with, but also of their impermanence. Sometimes one engages with them and that’s a step back, slipping into the trance of thinking, until mindful awareness catches up and allows a step forward to presence again, without judgment, with kindness, accepting the here and now, and letting go of what was, with a beginner’s mind essential to staying present. This gets easier as the mind becomes clearer and processes more obvious.
This is easier for a trained meditator’s mind, where the muscle of mindfulness and awareness is already built up. It’s not possible to comprehend by a thinking mind. How many moments does one experience in a day? In a minute or a second? How long does a moment last and can it be measured? What immense depth and timelessness can be lived in the moment which lasts tinyest split of a second and how is it possible that this day passed by as a snap of fingers? Hopelessly trying to remember what day is today. With thought and feeling comes the next thought that I could find out according to the food menu. Becoming aware of the mind resistance, allowing myself to not know, and finding the beauty of being partially lost in the concept of time. The only important time is now. There are many moments, and it’s not important how long each lasts but an awareness that it’s an opportunity to observe what is present and how we relate to it. There is so much to observe and live in it, when we step out of the thinking mind trance, continuously striving to improve, plan, avoid, reach, rush, surpress and countless other mindgames. How we relate to what we meet in sitting meditation doesn’t differ from what we meet in daily life. The way we interact with mental objects, bodily sensations, or other experiences in meditation is the same as we do in daily life. We just have a calmer environment and perfect conditions to be mindful and aware of this happening.
Meditation and every moment is a great opportunity to befriend oneself, get to know oneself better, and regain a sense of what it means to be alive beyond the trance of thoughts. We become aware that each thought and emotion we identify with becomes just a lens through which we look at the world. It defines only the lens, but neither the world nor life nor ourselves. As we become more familiar with the experience that thoughts are just passing clouds in the sky, we understand more about what life is and how it appears very different from what we thought. While we sit with closed eyes, observing our body, sounds, breath, and mind moment after moment, using the breath as an anchor to the presence anytime we fall back into the trance of stories, thinking, judging the past, fearing the future, and resisting or hating what is happening now. We become aware of what created this sense of suffering with the curiosity of a beginner’s mind, and without force or judgment, let it go, becoming aware of what is present, aware of the breath, curious about what object will arrive next.
Even though a Zen Buddhist meditation retreat is slightly different from a mindfulness meditation retreat—perhaps more strict, with less movement, and practically without any meditation guidance—it has one essential part in common: meditation in which awareness and mindfulness are key. It involves not only sitting, or Zazen, and full silence. How does such a silent retreat look? Rather than going into too much detail, there is also walking meditation between each Zazen session, in which one sits about 5-6 hours a day. People are allowed to sit on chairs if their body is too painful to sit on a meditation cushion or bench any longer.
There is also space to talk and share experiences with the master in privacy at given times or at any time of mental urgency. This is called Doksan. There is also an hour of community work-Seva daily, where people work on tasks supporting the house’s operation. Participants also wash dishes after each meal. This is meant as a meditation practice in action, the so-called informal practice. All these activities are more or less common with slight differences in all meditation retreat traditions, whether Mindfulness, Zen Buddhism, or Vipassana. Specific to Zen Buddhist tradition are Koans—ancient riddles through which understanding brings better comprehension of life, lessens suffering, and, according to Buddhism, can lead to enlightenment, simply explained and understood as life without suffering or breaking the cycle of Samsara. Solving Koans is voluntary. They can be individually picked and discussed during Doksan with the master. Or the master gives talks- Teisho and teachings every evening on the history of Buddhism, understanding the teachings, providing insights into the practice, or sharing more difficult Koans and their understanding.
There are always some hours of free time each day. The beautiful monastery of Czech Koln has a stunning garden, including many Zen architectural aspects, hundreds of blooming flowers, and a small pond with lily flowers. It is unbelievable how many different sights and spots one relatively small garden can offer. This year the retreat took place in the summertime. Upon walking out of the house, one is welcomed and stroked by the smell of tall lavender bushes spread several meters alongside the house wall. The favorable scent was accompanied by the sight of beautiful purple blooms being pollinated by the most friendly, beautiful, unique heavy-bodied bumblebees, of which there could be hundreds. Tens of people walked through the small aisle over which tall lavenders and pollinating bumblebees grew and flew. There was mutual respect, welcoming, and harmony. The garden always offered a hug, heart- and soul-opening sights, smells, sounds, and feelings for which words are too short of meaning. Many people could get lost and found in that garden simultaneously or one after another. Nature is always welcoming and hugging when treated with respect and care.
I was often empty of words in the garden. No poems came to me during that time of being. Except one day, I was stepping over a small stream when my sight landed on a small fish. They were playing seemingly catch me if you can! I was mesmerized by that sight. They swiftly swam to one another, hiding and dusting the sand on the bottom. I was amazed by how playful and intelligent creatures they are. Reminding me of my childhood and all those games we played. Bringing to my mind thoughts of how we are all the same. We all, no matter if human or animal, love to play when little and want to be safe and in peace in life.
That night there was a vegetarian dinner of a buffet-style as always. Every night featured a different spread. That night was fish spread. Another guest, an opportunity to observe what appeared in the present moment. These are the laws of nature and the way life is. Never perfect, and never ideal. Some fishes are luckier than others. I thought of those in the stream at that time. I thought of all those people wondering why vegetarians do not eat fish, as if they were not animals since they do not walk. And about how it is okay that people eat what they like. Probably simply different lenses through which we look at the world and life, and none is better or worse. The only important aspect is how we feel in life and what life we co-create. And death is an inseparable part of it. Simply the end of each beginning. This text dies here, and it is fine as it lives as long as it should. Perhaps it existed before it began and will after it ends. But that is already Buddhism, or as modern science calls Quantum physics beyond the realm of mindfulness.
